The one where we talk about tonights bedtimes.

My girls.

Our dynamics are shifting again.

Putting Molly to bed tonight, she couldn't get me out of her room quick enough, no 'one more page' of the BFG. No 'huuug huuuug' it was '.......um can you go now?'. I'm proud of her independence. So proud. But gosh it's tough.

Margaux, sweet Margaux. She used to feed to sleep downstairs so I could have dinner straight after Molly's bed time and watch telly. Now she's too easily distracted and her feeding becomes fractious and exhausting so we settle down in mummy and daddy's room.. still not cracked the cot. Still not turned to sleep training (yet). Tonight she kept burying her face in my chest, giggling, then grinning at me. It was the cutest game ever. I really love babies. I really love my babies.

I can't believe that the biggest is closer to six than five.

On surrendering to a clingy baby// This post has no direction. Sorry about that.

To be honest, I'm just posting this as an excuse to have 10 minutes to myself before bed. Margaux got quite clingy tonight, and I had grand plans of organising her last years worth of photos and sewing and painting the kitchen and cleaning.. guess what got done. Nothing. She just wanted me. But not too much of me. Just the right amount that makes my arm go dead and my chest feel stifled. It's ten past ten and I'm too tired to start anything, but too awake for the sweatiness that co-sleeping can be. Honestly, I just want three hours to myself to get.shit.done. There's so much I wanted to accomplish before she turns one! I'll never take my long evenings with Molly for granted. I just thought I was the best parent ever hahaaaa!!I bathed both of them today so that's an achievement.
Tomorrow, we have the best day planned ever. So I'll just try not to stress about how I'm going to get showered in the morning. And focus on how excited we'll be post shower. OK OK. Post hair dry and make-up. I find it all such a ball ache.

24

(I don't know if you've noticed but our kitchen clock is very broken.)

Also, do you think I could be the fourth member of Haim? That's pretty much my aim in life..

Sometimes I still feel like I'm 14. How was that a decade ago?? I still like Something Corporate and I had a binge on the Verve the other week. I read the Harry Potter series in two weeks last month. And Molly and I are killing it on the scrapbooking. I'm still always late (except for work). I've also been watching Buffy over the last few nights (hence the blog hiatus) though I watched that when I was 8? 9? There is no way that was suitable.

Anyway. I still stalk instagrams and blogs (when I was 14 it was Myspace profiles haha).

Today Jamie and I surprised Molly with a trip to McDonalds after nursery. She had a pretty rough weekend with tantrums and generally acting up quite a bit so she was told off more than I usually would have liked. So we took her to McDonalds (Sugar! Salt! ..IknowIknow) So we were eating our nutritious meals and I notice this older couple (late 60's, early 70's? I'm so bad with age) and they're both waiting for their food scrolling on their smart phones. Not talking, not looking at each other, scrolling. Just like in all those videos doing the rounds about putting your phone down. Crazy right? And then there's that blog entry I read recently about how we (internet, social media using parents) are forging paths for our children on internet ettiquette and how to not to get destroyed by the vortex. Or share too much. That's quite a responsibility. I love sharing ha. So many times I've nearly deleted my blog, quit facebook and decided to live without. But I can't. Not yet. 

I guess that's why I don't put too much out there anymore though. If I'm not comfortable reading it aloud to my friends, family and colleagues it's not ok to type. Then again I do believe in this quote: 

'You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.' - Anne Lamott 

I read this on (surprise surprise) twitter. Very liberating. And scary. I certainly have been very badly behaved, and I'm sure will continue to be.

This has been quite a 12 months. I began 23 in Ostend, this year I began 24 with a wide smile from Molly. Both good beginnings. I found a part of 23 pretty tough. And I'm glad to be 24. I'm also glad to be nearing the end of this year. It's been good, interesting and I've definitely grown. As a parent in particular. I have to be SO careful what I say/do/wear. Everything she is just drinking in. I'd hate to think anything negative I say become her inner voice. But equally I don't want her to think she can get away with being totally narcissistic. My world revolves around her, but not many others will. Empathy is quite possibly the most painful and useful quality to possess. But to teach that, well, it's hard. I don't want to pop any bubbles.

Sometimes this year I haven't looked at myself in the mirror for a few days. And I've pretty much stopped wearing make-up. As such I've noticed my face change. I might start wearing it again, it was a theme in my birthday gifts. 

I probably say this every year but I've recognised how truly lucky I am to have a wonderful network of sweet, intelligent perfect girl and boy friends. And my family is fucking awesome. Little, big and extended. I am very, very lucky. Jamie and I have gone through many stressful situations and kept our gamefaces on. GO TEAM. We've also made it our for a few date nights, which is funny 'cus we don't even like each other ;)

24 has all the makings of being a fantastic year. I hope I can add a little more education into it. A bit more writing. A blog name change, this is the year I will do it (do I sound like a broken record). And saying yes to a few more things. At 24 I also get to see my beautiful perfect sister marry. And even better I get to be by her side while she does it which makes me well up at the thought.  

24 is going to be really good. I can feel it.

Molly The Photographer

Molly has recently been saying 'I love you' all the time! It's probably because of the reaction she gets, but I like to think it's because she really, really loves me haha. When I was taking some photos a couple of weeks ago Molly asked to have a try with the camera, and these are the pictures she took of me. I love them, I mean I don't look like a model or anything but this is how she sees me from her angle (not my best angle I have a turkey neck, I mean!). It won't be long before she prefers a world that does not involve me, not because I'm a terrible parent but because, what children want their children involved in their narrative? So for now I'm soaking up these years as they keep flying by faster and faster. 

Some other pictures by my girl: 

Here's one she asked me to take of her when she was done playing photographer:

I love her spirit. 

The time inbetween.

The time in between the 'events' is often the time I find I miss the most as each season passes. Before I finished sixth form and started my unplanned year out, just before Jamie and I got together is a time I remember fondly. I spent most if my hours and hours of time being social, but in between that I remember time spent in my bed in that lovely bedroom with the sunshine pouring in. I thought that I was miserable, there was something lacking and yes I had a lot of unhappy experiences but the time inbetween was quite still.

Similarly in mine and Jamie's first flat I spent again, hours alone. In between lectures and going out I was very much by myself. We had a spare bedroom that lead to the balcony. It was so peaceful there at my desk watching the sky change from day to night each evening. I dreamt of the future with the little girl I was growing. I'm living that future now and it's more perfect than I ever imagined.

Now that the summer is drawing to a close (though I hear we will be allowed one last blast of warmth. I hope, I hope.) and we are edging between looking for a new home and thinking of packing it in and waiting until next Spring. I keep thinking of all the inbetween moments I will miss in this place. Though I don't have much time alone, what I do I cherish and as we race through another year I will look back fondly.

I have backdated a few posts over the last month, from February to July. Each noting the moments I made the effort to picture (that's not to say that the unpictured moments weren't just as important). I would like to get better at documenting the 'inbetween' moments again in some way. So that I can clasp them for a little while longer. Now that I let the constrains of the weekly portrait go, I might try to film two minutes of each week instead. Of the little things, little conversations, tea sipped and paths walked.

Recent moments in between:
- A den made of sheets. Molly and I watched films on netflix all snuggled with our lunch. Molly thought it was nice that the dog got to have a 'holiday' like ours. While I made it she said 'Oh mummy you're so clever! I love you!'
-  Two of Molly posing. I suppose you can see where she gets it from.. The second piture was after dinner with Nain and Taid, she was looking at the ponies I was so excited to see at her age.
- Klaus enjoying some quiet time after a stomach pumping at the vets. He ate my raisins and had to spend two nights away from home.
- Molly dressed up as 'Super Fox'. Super Fox wears a handmade light cotton dress and a mask dont you know.
- Molly and her cousin Will getting Klaus aka Buster to wear Woody and Jesse, K-man is just happy to lie there and take it. He think he's one of the children.
- A little trip to Hull to say goodbye to my girl who's in Hanoi now.

Flowers around this house

I would love to make this a series, but I can't afford to buy flowers and thus far haven't grown enough in our garden to justify cutting them to put in our living room! Ha. These were a gift I brought back with me from Dolgellau from a close friends garden. There is nothing more special than flowers from friends gardens. 

We go away at the end of this month and we are thinking about moving. Something I have been thinking about since we moved in here, and something we have on-off though about over the last 12 months. I'm not sure what will happen, finding the right place then finding schools aren't right, then finding the right one in the right school but not being able to move quickly enough. We might just stay here. It's a great house. It's a good house. And it's become our home. Slowly. Just not the home. 

Taking Stock:

reading// nothing I just finished Oryx and Crake and I need a rest. I'm thinking #girlboss next though, nice and easy

watching// Molly in the sun. No time for tv in the summer ;)

making// A chunky winter blanket. I'll be finished sometime next year.

drawing// Nothing, I need to get on that. Maybe a unicorn for Molly.

feeling// Strangely calm despite the chaos.

traveling// To Camp Bestival at the end of the month

wanting// To get better, I can't shake this illness.

remembering// Jamie's boss' Wedding, it was perfection. 

*Taking stock inspired by Sydney though I made up mine because cba to go searching through her archives.

What we've been at.

This is the spot my father and his friends filled with leaves and hid inside thus creating the 'Amazing, talking pile of leaves!' Or something like that. It is the spot where he used to pick me up onto the wall to walk along and discuss the 'Amazing, talking pile of leaves' and other important things. And it is the spot I found myself walking past with Molly last month. It's funny how the world keeps turning and suddenly you're the parent.

We've spent last week nursing illness, listening to music and staying warm! We didn't go trick or treating, or carve a pumkin but I did try to make gingerbread which went horribly wrong :| Jamie did buy Molly a panda costume when she was at her most poorly but she refused to wear it on Halloween- ha. So, this week I am going to try again with a new recipe and get ahead with my christmas shopping. Molly is sorted- I just need to get everyone else off the list. Ha. Feeling festive? I'm dragging it out for as long as possible because come January I'm fed up of the cold!

Whole.

There are certain places around my home where I feel as though I could be walking in another world. Far away from the hum, the constant dialogue. Where I feel alive.

I don't know whether it's having lived in a city for seven years or the fact that I come from the arse end of nowhere (Northey north-west Wales) but I feel alive when I can feel nature. I feel inspired when I see it. Any mood I'm feeling is replaced with the feeling of wholeness. I feel concluded. This is all I need, to be standing here and feeling whole. I feel it in my favourite place. And I feel it in these woods. 

This September morning we photographed on our iphones whilst walking the dog, fists full of acorns hunting for a Totoro; was the begining of a feeling of gratification I've been enjoying recently. I try to feel content, and happy with the wonderful life I have. But I often worry if I do get content I'll get lazy, stop, not strive and therefore wake up feeling I've wasted years just being. But there's a balance of being and keeping on. I've spent too long looking forward to this or that and not really enjoying now. And now, I am feeling whole. I'm looking forward to each new chapter but living in the moment as it is. I won't ever get this stillness with Molly again. The long days of play, sitting on the carpet, hugging for hours. I won't get gentle painting, and quiet observation in the quantity I do now, ever again. And I feel whole. Being, and enjoying, and looking forward but staying in the now. Whole.